If you don't have a glass to pour your drink into—and why would you?—then you're better off with something that comes preassembled. But should that something be established category leader Four Loko, or Gila Brewing's plucky upstart, Crunk Juce? (Assuming, of course, that it must be something with an intentionally misspelled name: Premium malt beverages are for people who party hard and spell harder!)
'malt liquor' on Serious Eats
Names are important. If you call your kid Caitlin, she's going to get an advanced degree. If you call your kid Jeff, he's going to tool around town in a mufflerless Firebird full of Rush tapes and bad intentions. And if you call your "premium malt beverage with natural fruit flavors and FD&C Red #40" Grape Blast by Colt 45, it's going to be an appalling vehicle for getting get way too many teenagers way too drunk.
Yes, it's true that 40s are unwieldy and also that they force you to choose between blacking out at the ungentlemanly hour of "before the pizza guy gets there" or slowing it down and sweating through a warm second 20. But it's just as true that they're really cheap and make you feel a little bit like a badass late-'80s rapper. As my grandfather used to say, if you're going to be home alone on Valentine's Day, you might as well save a couple bucks and pretend you're Eazy E.