I know this isn't an advice column, but allow me to start off with two pieces of what I consider to be sound advice. First, if you are tasked with writing jokes for a tongue-in-cheek drinking column about a television comedy, you probably shouldn't spend your time immediately before writing that watching a movie about cancer alone in a dark hotel room. Second, if you're not familiar with Arrested Development, then you should definitely strap on some Daisy Dukes and get familiar.
The Necessary Details
Arrested Development first aired back in 2003 and was cancelled in 2006, and everyone's still angry about that. But Netflix will be releasing 15 brand spankin' new episodes all at once for streaming this weekend—you didn't have any plans for Sunday and Monday, did you?
Arrested follows the Bluth family, focusing on Michael Bluth (played by Jason Bateman), the straight man and moral compass who does his best to keep the dysfunctional Bluth bunch together. Michael is forced to take over the Bluth Company after his father, George Bluth Sr (Jeffrey Tambor), is arrested for defrauding investors. Michael's alcoholic mother Lucille (Jessica Walter) becomes CEO upon George's incarceration and attempts to install Michael's youngest brother, the dim-witted and timid Buster (Tony Hale), as company president with disastrous results.
Rounding out the cast a bit, we've got:
G.O.B.: (pronounced like the Biblical "Job," and played brilliantly by Will Arnett) an unskilled magician and Michael's older brother.
Lindsay: (Portia de Rossi of Ally McBeal and married-to-Ellen fame) Michael's vainglorious and vapid twin sister.
Tobias: (David Cross) Lindsay's husband, who can never feel comfortable in the nude.
George Michael: (Michael Cera. You know, that kid you don't think is cute anymore) Michael's son and budding frozen banana mogul.
Maeby: (Alia Shawkat) Tobias and Lindsay's daughter, and George Michael's cousin/love interest.
Supplies You'll Need
Since there's always money in the banana stand, I recommend a Frozen Monkey, with a little booze added. (Vodka's fine, bourbon's tastier.) Option two is for British eyes only. Just remember Lucille's advice on booze: once you open a bottle of vodka, you have to finish it or it'll go bad.
Just stay away from chicken.
The Arrested Development Drinking Game
As always, this game is presented for entertainment purposes only. So no drinking and driving your stair car, okay?
Take a Sip
1 Sip: This one is simple: if Lucille drinks, you drink.
2 Sips: For Steve Holt!
2 Sips: For every time G.O.B. attempts an
magic trick illusion.
2 Sips: For each time Tobias has a new look. 3 sips if it's something that says, "Dad likes leather."
3 Sips: For every appearance of the Bluth Family Banana Stand.
4 Sips: For any instance of embellishment, extortion, fraud, perjury or insider trading perpetrated by a Bluth.
Take a Swig
1 Swig:: For every appearance of a seal.
2 Swigs: For "No touching!" No touching? NO TOUCHING!"
3 Swigs: For every there's an appearance of any attorney you wouldn't trust to chase an ambulance.
3 Swigs: For any time Lucille asks for help zipping up her dress.
3 Swigs: for any time a Bluth does something dishonest that isn't covered by rule #6 (thought you were getting off easy? Don't test me!)
Slam Your Drink: If G.O.B. successfully executes a magic trick.
Slam Your Drink: If narrator Ron Howard breaks the fourth wall.
Drink for the Duration of:
Any "chicken dance" scene.
Stop Drinking If:
You start feeling that being a Bluth doesn't seem so bad...
Got more rules for our Arrested Development drinking game? Lay 'em on me in the comments section below.
About the Author: Vinny Mannering is a red-bearded raconteur with a penchant for sarcasm, ice hockey, and good beer. You can listen to him praise beer and loathe society on Twitter.